Corpses, video games, shoot-outs, manic harbingers of death, desperate surgery and blood and gore galore are the mainstay of the action-packed 70 minutes that is Firearms and Fingertips.
A DJ plays in the corner, a corpse with a bloodied torso lies still on a hospital bed. After several minutes we realise that the corpse isn't quite dead yet and frantic doctors and nurses try to revive him. He's in pain, screaming, gurgling, swearing and asking for his mum. She's outside. He's been shot and she found him by the bins when she arrived home with their takeaway. He's a good boy; no reason for anyone to shoot him.
Cue the harbingers of death, they love a good death but it really isn't the same these days. They lament for the good old days of plague with all the puss, and the times when people died of syphilis. The '80s were good too; that was the time of AIDS you know.
They are presenting a show: 'This is Your Death'. They wake almost dead Spencer up to tell him the good news. He doesn't take it too well. With plenty of macabre pomp and fanfare they introduce a series of guests: Spencer's mum, his girlfriend, shooter Jordan, and Jordan's mum. As they are hot-seated in turn we learn more about the background of the incident as well as being introduced to the five stages of grief.
A mock-up of 'The X-Factor' ('The Death Factor'), a killing spree computer game and a re-enactment of a war-zone in which the actors race around the place shooting each other and using members of the audience for cover. Bit by bit the reasons for the shooting are uncovered. Was it bad parenting? Was it a disloyal girlfriend? Or was Spencer not the good boy his mother believed him to be?
The dark themes of teenagers and guns, death and bereavement are dealt with in a way that is chilling and humorous. And loud. And freaky.
In the end Spencer dies. It couldn't end any other way. We return to the hospital scene with the doctors and nurses realising they can't save him and his mum coming to his bedside and hugging his bloodied body as she says her final goodbye.
As I don't have any family planning to stay with me over Christmas this year, this means that right after Christmas Day I can get away. I've thought about heading overseas for a week but as I'm spending rather a lot on my van conversion at the moment and as I only came back from Oman a couple of weeks ago, I've decided to spend the time catching up with friends in the UK and trying to walk a bit more of the Thames Path.
Last time I walked the Thames Path (which was also at New Year) I finished in Staines. Not the most salubrious of places. I've been told by a local that they're thinking of re-naming it Staines upon Thames to make it sound a bit more upmarket. I think St. Aines would sound even posher, but I'm not sure who to forward my suggestion to officially. And whatever it's called it's going to take a bit more than a name change to improve its image.
But I digress. Last year I finished in Staines and so that is where I need to start from this year. If I can get three days' walking in, I should be able to make it to Marlow. On day 1 I should get as far as Windsor; day 2 should get me to Maidenhead; and then if I have chance to do a day 3 I'll make it to Marlow. As usual at this time of year daylight hours will seriously impact on how far I can walk. Even with a headtorch I wouldn't want to be walking along lonely riverside paths in the dark.
I spent a couple hours in the week researching parking and trains and it all seems very easy. I've found relatively cheap parking in Windsor, Maidenhead and Marlow and good train connections back to my starting point each day. Hopefully the traffic won't be too heavy as it's just after New Year and schools won't be back in. Big time-eating traffic delays at the start of each day would mean me having to re-assess my plans for that day.
So, all I need to know now is what's the weather going to be like?
... ok, so maybe I'm not a bike expert yet, but after spending the full day at the Cycle Hub in Manchester learning all about cycle maintenance I know a lot more than I did when I woke up this morning. As I have a old and ramshackle bike that I bought for a tenner in a charity shop, I thought it prudent to do a cycle maintenance course so I can at least have half a go at doing it up. I booked an all-day intensive cycle maintenance course with Edinburgh Bicycle Cooperative for £44. Yeah, I know, the maintenance course has cost me nearly five times what the bike cost me, but the idea is that it'll save me money in the long run because I won't have to keep paying someone else when it needs fixing.
The course was held in the Cycle Hub which I hadn't even known existed. It's situated in the basement of Piccadilly Plaza right in the city centre and is a place that provides secure parking for bikes and has showers, toilets and lockers for cyclists to use. Entry is by swipe card and there's CCTV coverage. Prices range from £10 for either 10 individual visits or a one month pass up to £200 for an annual premium membership which includes use of the showers and a personal locker. The downside to it seemed to be the early closing times - 8pm on weekdays and 5pm on the weekend. This wouldn't be much good for anyone wanting to go out after work or working a late shift. Apart from this it did seem impressive and maybe the times will change if there's the demand for it. As I wasn't sure how safe my bike was and certainly didn't trust it to be reliable, I chucked it into the back of the van and drove into Manchester. As well as the Cycle Hub there's also a car park underneath Piccadilly Plaza which has cheap(ish) all day parking on the weekend. I was first to arrive, but soon after I was buzzed in the other four students arrived. Their bikes all seemed a lot newer and in much better condition than mine. We hoisted our bikes onto tall stands which meant we could work on them without too much bending and contorting. (Note to self: must get one of these stands if I decide I'm going to get seriously into this bicycle maintenance malarkey.) We started at 10am and the course ran through till 5.30pm with about 45 minutes break for lunch. We removed tyres, wheels, brakes, gears, pedals, the chain, and a few other bits as well. We then put them all back on again. Successfully. We found out what tools we needed and, as we all had slightly different styles of bikes, we also found out different ways of doing things. At the end of the day we were each given a booklet showing step-by-step instructions for everything we'd covered. I'm sure I won't remember any of it by the time I come to actually do the work on my bike, but at least I know that it's actually quite simple and I feel confident that I will soon figure it out. The tutor also told me that I had a pretty good bike and was quite impressed when I told him I'd got it for ten quid. It just needs a bit of TLC and it'll be as good as any posh bike out there!
Before we get on with the post here's a musical interlude to get you in the mood:
On my list of things to do before I'm 60 I have the challenge of completing a long-distance bike ride. I have a bike - it cost me £10 from a charity shop. I even have a couple of panniers - they cost a couple of quid each from Lidl in Germany. So I'm all set to go, right? Well, not quite. I know nothing about bike maintenance and as my bike is old and cheap this could be a problem. I've read blogs by long distance cyclists who have experienced all kinds of problems with their top of the range bikes, so I'm sure to experience a few jitters from my super cheap bike.
With this in mind I went in search of a cycle maintenance course that would at least teach me the basics. I found this course run by Edinburgh Bicycle Cooperative. They hold various courses in various places, including an all-day intensive cycle maintenance course in Manchester for £49.
Adjusting hub bearings for maximum life and smooth running.
Gear adjustment: including fitting new cables and fine tuning front and rear mechanisms.
Bottom bracket and headset adjustment.
I don't even know what most of these things are, but I've booked and so hopefully I'll soon not only know what they are, but will be able to transform my dilapidated ride into a spic and span, smooth-running dream machine.
Last night I accompanied a group of students to the theatre to see Wicked. I didn't know anything about it beforehand, but hey, it's a free theatre ticket, I'm not going to say no. I knew it was a musical and so expected singing, dancing and superficialness. Yes, there was the singing and dancing but I was surprised by some of the challenging themes it addressed. The show is basically the backstory to The Wizard of Oz and begins with the Good Witch Glinda announcing the death of Wicked Witch of the West to the people of Oz. They are hesitant to believe the good news at first but once convinced celebrate gladly. One asks Glinda 'But weren't you friends with her once?' Shocked silence. Glinda at first deflects the question, then decides to answer honestly. The show switches to flashback mode and we get the story of the Wicked Witch's life from her birth to her death. Born green, her father, the governor, had no time for her and more or less abandoned her. When her wheelchair-bound sister was born she was given the role of looking after her. As teenagers they went off to boarding school together, though Alphaba had been allowed to go only because her sister needed her. She is shunned because of the colour of her skin. Her sister isn't treated much better due to her disability despite them both being in a supposed position of influence being that they are the governor's daughters after all. The theme of racism and prejudice continues and develops into a paradigm of how a society, particularly one in hard times, creates its own scapegoats and how easily people buy into the idea. The scapegoats in Oz are the animals. All animals can talk and hold down regular jobs such as teaching. One by one, species by species, the animals are silenced and in some cases caged. They are dismissed from their jobs and lose all 'human' rights. As people's minds are poisoned against them, there are few to stand up for them and those that do are seen as subversive. That the scapegoats of choice are so readily turned from upstanding citizens into public enemy number one is reminiscent of 17th century witch hunts, 1930's and 40's Nazi Germany, the US's Reds under the Beds anti-communist frenzy of the 1950s and the present day scaremongering and paranoia about 'illegal immigrants' and 'bogus asylum seekers' as propagated by the likes of the Daily Mail. Despite the ill-treatment and disdain, Alphaba is good. Good and righteous she is one of the few to stand up for the animals. When she first arrives at the school she looses her cool and demonstrates her ability at magic. The headmistress, impressed by this ability, takes her under her wing and gives her special lessons in sorcery. Alphaba works hard at these lessons as she wants to attain a standard high enough to warrant an invitation to meet with the Wizard himself. Finally she is able to realise her dream of meeting the Wizard and we find out that her reason for wanting this so badly is because she wants to ask him to do something for the animals. To her dismay, she discovers that the Wizard is not all he seems and his power is due more to clever PR than any real talent for magic. To consolidate his position it is he who is behind the scapegoating of the animals. Alphaba ends up on the run with her name blackened. She continues to fight for justice in Oz, but the Wizard's media savvy PR is far more powerful and effective than her magic. Other characters from The Wizard of Oz, such as the Tin Man and the Scarecrow are woven into the story and we find out their backstories too. Glinda, the Good Witch, starts out as a spoilt and self-centred airhead whose only interests in life are her looks and getting her own way. For her and Alphaba it is a case of loathe at first sight. Thrown together as roommates they come first to tolerate each other and then to become friends. Through her friendship with Alphaba, Glinda becomes the good person she later becomes renowned for being. I really enjoyed the exploration of so many different issues reflective of contemporary life (there are more than I've touched on here), and also enjoyed the way the story was so cleverly linked to the original to become a 'believable' prequel. I can now understand why it is so popular and why so many people rave about it.
Up early this morning to drive to a primary school in St Helens for the first day of my BELA course. I got there early and sat sipping a coffee as the other delegates arrived. There are 21 of us in all. Most of the trainers we'll be meeting over the next few months were there too to introduce themselves.
BELA stands for Basic Expedition Leaders' Award and will qualify me to lead bronze and silver expeditions for Duke of Edinburgh Award students. It's only one step down from the walking group leaders' qualification and so should stand me in good stead to achieve that whenever I get round to going for it.
It's quite a time commitment as between now and November I have to attend three residential weekends. They start on the Friday evening and finish on the Sunday. I have to do another one in March for my assessment. In between finishing the third residential weekend and the assessment I have to fit in 30 hours of leading kids on walks. This concerns me a bit as it'll be in the winter when daylight is short and the weather may be bad. Although this wouldn't stop me from going out on a walk myself I won't be able to take students out in the dark or in torrential storms and heavy snow drifts. I thought I'd be able to backdate these 30 hours to the spring and early summer when I spent, what seemed like, most of my weekends out with kids on practice and assessed bronze and silver expedition weekends.
What I can backdate is my own walking experience. I have to fill in a log of walks I've done myself. Easy-peasy - I've got lots of them logged on here so I just have to flip back through my blog and copy the details over.
Throughout the day we went over the expectations of the course and got a lot of the admin and form-filling done. Then we looked at equipment and did quite an interesting exercise in which we were given an equipment list, a total cost spent and lot of pictures of equipment from which we had to choose items to fit the cost we'd been given. It really showed how little you can spend to get the basics on a low budget and how much you can spend if you want to splash out on the best of everything and/or go for named brands.
We looked at some actual equipment and were advised on how to tell if something is good or not and which items it's worth spending a bit more on to get something decent (basically the things that can hurt you - boots and rucksack and also jacket because being soaking wet and cold is the equivalent of being 'hurt').
All in all it was a good day and I'm feeling excited about my first residential the weekend after next.
What's the best way to learn drumming? Well, according to research the best way to learn anything is to teach it.
I got my new timetable just before we broke up for summer and SHOCK! HORROR! I'm going to be teaching two year 7 classes music. As I am the least musical person I know this is going to be quite a challenge. I'm convinced I'm tone deaf, I have no sense of rhythm, I can't hold a tune, when I sing even cats cover their ears.
Luckily I have a very understanding Head of Music. Before we broke up she asked me what I would like to teach and as I would like to learn drums myself of course this is what I said. I put it on my list of challenges as I think learning a musical instrument will help make me become a more rounded person (at the moment I'm relying on cake to do this) and drums are my instrument of choice because hitting something seems a really good way of dealing with stress at the end of a bad day and this would be a legitimate way of doing this.
The Head of Music spent some time teaching me the basics before we broke up for summer. I got excited, she despaired. We're going to do some work on beats and rhythm and then, a few weeks in, we'll get the samba drums out and start proper drumming. I have a lot to learn before then as at the moment I can't even say the names of the various drums let alone play them.
Just to help me along (and because I'm enthusiastic) I ordered myself some drums over the summer. I've got a set of bongos and a bodhran. I've got these because they were the cheapest out of all the different types of drums and at the moment I just need to something to practice my rhythm and beats on.
As I don't know anything about levels or stages of drumming I don't know what to aim for to be able to say I've completed this challenge. At the moment I'll just say it's in progress and decide later what my actual goal is.
A DJ plays in the corner, a corpse with a bloodied torso lies still on a hospital bed. After several minutes we realise that the corpse isn't quite dead yet and frantic doctors and nurses try to revive him. He's in pain, screaming, gurgling, swearing and asking for his mum. She's outside. He's been shot and she found him by the bins when she arrived home with their takeaway. He's a good boy; no reason for anyone to shoot him. 
